The Trap of Isolation

When I was growing up there were always people around our house. We didn't have a huge family compared to others that lived in our neighborhood, but there was always a lot of activity in our home. It was normal for people to be coming and going most of the time. My mom loved for our home to be filled with people - especially family. Holidays and birthdays were always a big deal and when everyone she loved was sitting down for a huge meal, she was elated. 

I am the youngest of four boys. My brothers are all three years apart in age, but I came along ten and a half years later. It is safe to say that I was not a planned addition to the family by my parents. They had pretty much decided that three boys were enough to handle. With the youngest turning eleven years old in a few months, giving birth to another boy was overwhelming to say the least. 

When I stop and think about it, I didn't really mind the fact that I was so much younger than my brothers. It often worked in my favor when it came to getting my way. I seemed to always find a way to use the fact that I was the youngest to work toward my advantage. All I had to do was whine (I can't believe I am confessing this) that I wasn't being included and I would receive special attention from just about everyone. Boy, it sounds like I was a brat! If you talk to my brothers I'm sure they would agree. For the record, it didn't always work. It backfired at times, but it did allow me to manipulate things in such a way that I often would get what I wanted. (I guess I was a brat!) I enjoyed my family very much, but I also enjoyed finding time to be by myself. 

After I made the decision to go to college, I packed my belongings and moved from my small town in southern Indiana to Cincinnati, Ohio. Up until that time in my life this was the single most exciting event I had ever experienced. For the first time I wasn't around the familiar relationships of my family and friends. I was able to be my own person and experience a new life. Only a couple of individuals from my hometown attended the same college. Even though we were friends, those relationships were not deeply connected to me. By moving to Cincinnati, the time had finally arrived where I was able to become another person. I had broken out of the familiar. I was seizing a new beginning. The possibilities were endless. I wanted to try new things and discover if I could transform into a new identity.  

I was on my own and I liked it... a lot! 

Looking back, that moment was a turning point for me. I finally got what I longed to experience. I isolated myself and kept everyone at a safe distance. Sure I had lots of friends, but no one was close enough to know me deeply. Isolation became a well protected part of my life. Like many college students I did things (really stupid things) that I am not proud of today.  I regret those choices. If I had the opportunity to go back and do things differently, would I?  Maybe... but maybe not. 

My point in all of this is not to focus on the poor decisions I made in my life, but to expose the trap of isolation. Isolation keeps us weak and unguarded. It keeps everyone at a distance. When we don't allow anyone to know us deeply we can easily misjudge our perceptions.  Wise people gain confidence in individuals they can trust that speak truth into their lives. Having those relationships can eliminate confusion and misunderstandings. When we isolate ourselves we can fall for anything, and we are unable to escape deeply painful situations because of sheer weakness. The saying that there is strength in numbers is absolutely true. Single out anything and it wont be long until a predator will devour its prey. 

That is why having others that know you inside and out is vital to your survival. There is no one that is able to live this life without having trustworthy support for a successful journey. Ideally a personal relationship with God and at least one other person will place the accountability and boundaries in your life that will open the doors to all the joy each of us were meant to experience. 

Jesus is the only person that ever lived that was without sin. He was able to overcome every challenge He faced, but He didn't do it alone. He had an intimate relationship with the Father, and He had a deep knowledge of the Scriptures. He often would retreat to a place of solitude to pray and mediate but even then He wasn't alone.  He had the presence of Holy Spirit and the words of Scripture as His companion.  With all of that, Jesus even pulled together a group of men that would travel with Him throughout His ministry that He taught and challenged to embrace a life as faithful servants.  Those men offered companionship to Jesus and to one another. Of those individuals, Jesus even had a closer inner-circle that knew one another even more intensely.  

If Jesus (God in the Flesh) avoided a life of isolation why do so many believe it's fine for them? 

When I was in college, I was naive to believe that I could accomplish all my hopes and dreams by keeping others and God at a distance.  To be completely honest, I guess I was afraid. I was afraid that if I let someone close enough to know me completely they would know that I was wearing a mask. The facade I kept hiding behind would be destroyed and I couldn't bare the rejection. 

Isolation is a trap that is securely locked by the key of rejection. Our fear of being known builds a wall of safety that protects an irrational fear we create.  It takes a conscious decision to break down the wall we have built around ourselves and risk relationships. Relationships are risks. Even though the risks are real, to experience authentic and meaningful relationships are always worth the journey.   

Looking back on my childhood, I miss those times when our home was filled with close friends and family. The very thing I wanted to escape when I ran off to college now is something I wish I could run back to again. I guess that is why being in a relationship with God is like being a part of a large family. We are created to be in a relationship with Him and others. He seems to know what is best for us. I just wish I would have listened earlier in my life instead of learning the truth the hard way.  

OK Ron! Here we go...

This morning I met with Ron (my accountability partner) who has grown over the past few years to become my best friend. We meet for a couple of hours almost every week for the sole purpose of keeping our lives on track. That may sound strange for some people, but it's true. The time we spend together has a very specific purpose. We hold one another accountable to a set of goals that we determined are essential in our lives. 

A long time ago I made up my mind that I needed accountability in my life to grow to be like Jesus in my attitude and in my actions. You would think that a pastor could master that process on his own. Maybe some can, but I didn't want the chance of failing... again. I was tired of messing up on my own. I needed to face the reality that it was OK to ask for help. It's a hard lesson to learn and I had the bruises to prove I needed a new plan. Accountability was the answer. 

Soon after moving to Washington, I began to pray for someone that would be an accountability partner in my life. I prayed for another guy that wanted to grow in the same areas of his life where I wanted to grow. I wanted to be a great husband and a great dad. I desired to be a better teacher an example to others. I wanted to grow in my capacity to love God and others. My goal was to be more like Jesus in every aspect of my life. It's not an easy list, right? 

Over the years I discovered that if something was truly important to me, then inviting accountability in my life would stack the deck in my favor to succeed. Having an accountability partner would give me the edge I needed to meet my goals. My prayer was simple. "God, show me the right person." I wasn't sure how or when He would answer my request, but I knew He wouldn't let me down. I was often frustrated, because He wasn't answering right away. It took some time, but I kept praying and waiting.  

It wasn't long until I met Ron for breakfast one morning. Our first few meetings had nothing to do with accountability. He simply wanted to get together (to eat of course) and ask about the church where I was working. Ron and his family had visited the church for several weeks and they had some questions about what we believed and why we did certain things. We took several opportunities to meet and it wasn't long until I began to see an individual that wanted the same things in life that I wanted.  So... I made the ask. 

Today, Ron is not just an accountability partner.  He is a brother. When we meet we encourage one another in all areas of our lives. We have a lot of fun too. Our families have grown to be dear friends. Our wives have a great relationship. Our kids love to be together (when they are not picking on one another)! Our relationship has grown well beyond simply being accountability partners. But, when it's time to see how we are growing to become like Jesus... it's all business. It's one of the highlights of my week. 

I have to let you in on something... Ron and several others have been challenging me to do something for a long time. The whole idea of accountability has become a deep passion of mine. I think everyone that is serious about their life being meaningful and significant must have a deep level of accountability. Without it, I think you are doomed to fail. Those that are closest to me believe I need to share my thoughts and ideas with others. This is my first "written" attempt to step up to the challenge. It is very scary to put your thoughts out here for the world to read and critique. I guess this is helping me to grow to be more like Jesus.  He never seemed concerned about those that opposed what He knew was truth. I guess I need to grow in that area too.  

OK Ron! Here we go...